Song re-write

Lyrics

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for your time
And try not to waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree? You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So, you dare tell me who to be
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
Swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up onboard with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset

Re-write

You should keep drinking coffee and stare me down across the table while I look outside. There are so many things I want to say, but I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by. You have your opinions—everyone is entitled to them—but I never asked. Thank you for your time, however, don’t waste any more of mine. Get out of here! I don’t mean to hurt you, but I’m doing fine without you. [She can stand on her own feet and doesn’t need his support]. You are not me, so who cares if you disagree. You were made king of anything by WHOM? Don’t tell me WHO TO BE, or not to be—you are not all-knowing. You sound innocent and full of good intent, and you swear you know best. You want me to follow you into your future, WHICH you can’t expect me to do. [She claims he wants her to follow him wherever he goes, but she has to think of herself]

Explanation

In line three I used the parenthetical dash to add that everyone is entitled to an opinion, WHICH could have been removed from the sentence. In the following sentence, I included however—an adverb—to link the request to not waste any more of her time. In the middle of the paragraph, I changed a sentence to a question so that I could use the relative pronoun WHOM. In this situation, “you” is the subject, which causes the person who made him king of anything, the object and consequently whom. I included another dash, this time to emphasize that whoever she is singing to is not all-knowing. In the last sentence I used the relative pronoun which because that part of the sentence is not essential.

In the rewrite I tried to incorporate rules we have learned thus far in the semester. I had a hard time using pattern of the week because I did not find many places where a relative pronoun would fit to be followed by a relative clause. My goal with experimenting with different topics was to see if I’ve understood the concepts. Your comment will be greatly appreciated.

Do most teachers mark the incorrect use of who/whom in formal writing? Further, should I use whom in everyday speech to better understand when to use it?

Revision of old writing

Original

Through my upbringing on a farm, I have become attached to animals, primarily large animals.  I’ve been told I was milking cows as soon as I could walk.  Instead of going to kindergarten, I helped my father on the farm. On multiple occasions I have had the opportunity to watch veterinarians at work up close, and have developed an affinity for what they do. There is a variety of jobs do be done on large animals such as cows and sheep, including treating a sick animal, helping out if there are complications with birth, sowing open wounds and giving medicine to prevent diseases. I was also fortunate enough to spend a year as a dog handler in the Norwegian Air Force. I had the same dog for ten months and grew very close.  Every day we did a basic check of our dog, the purpose of it was both bonding and most important of all; to make sure the dog was in good condition. I experienced my dog being bit by one of the other dogs in our department, and consequently having to go to the vet where I observed the veterinarian sow stitches where she was bit.

Revision

While I grew up on a farm, I became attached to animals—primarily large animals. I helped my father with work on the farm instead of attending kindergarten.

I have multiple times observed veterinarians during work, causing me to become interested in the profession. There is a variety of jobs to be done on large animals such as cows and sheep. These include the following: treating a sick animal, assisting complicated births, sowing open wounds and giving medicine to prevent diseases.

While I served as a dog hander in the Norwegian Air Force, I worked with the same dog for ten months. We became attached BECAUSE OF ALL THE TIME WE SPENT TOGETHER. Every day we did a basic check which served the following purposes: bonding with the dog and making sure it was in good condition. One time, my dog was bit by another dog in the department. We quickly brought her to the veterinarian where I observed the procedure of sowing stitches.

The paragraph I’ve used is from a paper I wrote in a class I took while I attended Western New Mexico University. I quickly noticed that I started multiple sentences with “I…”, which I in some cases have tried to mix up to create more variety. In the first sentence, I used the dash to emphasize that I’m primarily interested in large animals. WHILE I’VE PREVIOUSLY BEEN CRITICAL OF USING COLONS, I used a colon twice in the revised paragraph. Another pattern I noticed in this paragraph—and the whole paper for that matter—is the overuse of prepositional phrases. My only logical explanation is that I was having a hard time meeting the minimum page requirement and consequently used unnecessary fillers. In the revision I’ve replaced the prepositional phrases with verbs or phrases that are more direct. In my eyes it did not look right to transform the prepositional phrases into adverbs or adjectives such as the Lanham Method recommends.

What are the components to a compound-complex sentence, and can someone please give an example of one? I did not get around to write it down during class.