Song re-write

Lyrics

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for your time
And try not to waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree? You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So, you dare tell me who to be
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
Swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up onboard with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset

Re-write

You should keep drinking coffee and stare me down across the table while I look outside. There are so many things I want to say, but I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by. You have your opinions—everyone is entitled to them—but I never asked. Thank you for your time, however, don’t waste any more of mine. Get out of here! I don’t mean to hurt you, but I’m doing fine without you. [She can stand on her own feet and doesn’t need his support]. You are not me, so who cares if you disagree. You were made king of anything by WHOM? Don’t tell me WHO TO BE, or not to be—you are not all-knowing. You sound innocent and full of good intent, and you swear you know best. You want me to follow you into your future, WHICH you can’t expect me to do. [She claims he wants her to follow him wherever he goes, but she has to think of herself]

Explanation

In line three I used the parenthetical dash to add that everyone is entitled to an opinion, WHICH could have been removed from the sentence. In the following sentence, I included however—an adverb—to link the request to not waste any more of her time. In the middle of the paragraph, I changed a sentence to a question so that I could use the relative pronoun WHOM. In this situation, “you” is the subject, which causes the person who made him king of anything, the object and consequently whom. I included another dash, this time to emphasize that whoever she is singing to is not all-knowing. In the last sentence I used the relative pronoun which because that part of the sentence is not essential.

In the rewrite I tried to incorporate rules we have learned thus far in the semester. I had a hard time using pattern of the week because I did not find many places where a relative pronoun would fit to be followed by a relative clause. My goal with experimenting with different topics was to see if I’ve understood the concepts. Your comment will be greatly appreciated.

Do most teachers mark the incorrect use of who/whom in formal writing? Further, should I use whom in everyday speech to better understand when to use it?